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like a goodbye kiss when goodbye felt so wrong

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Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
4:18 pm
when i find myself in this place of incontrovertible aliveness, when the world is on fire and i am with it - i think, i won't forget this, i won't be lost in the pettiness of the day-to-day, my own turmoil, i won't succumb to sorrow or inertia or fall prey to fear. none of it matters nearly as much as this joy, this knowing the beauty of each thing exactly as it is.

recently, I have begun to think, more realistically, I probably will forget this; i will be caught up in my stuckness and i will be afraid, i will be numbed by the horror of everything around me and i will feel small and tired and lost. but this time i will try to remember a space beyond it. i will try to remember the boundless hope and consuming joy and know that it's still there, somewhere. holding out behind a curtain of small terrors and fog of futility is a fortress of uncontainable bliss waiting to be unleashed again in my heart and around the world.

and i go on making small promises to myself in the meanwhile: i will walk every day in between the trees, i will make some celebration, i will live without fear, i will create beautiful things, i will be unafraid to fly, i will move and speak and live deliberately... my promises stretch out and out sometimes past the horizon of possibility, and often at the end of the day it seems i've never walked as far as i thought i could. i get discouraged and wake up tired in the morning. but i go on making promises, because the sunrise is so beautiful, and those three stars are still shining so brightly, and the birds are beginning to sing, you can hear them even over the whine of the highway. in spite of myself i feel the embers of hope and i thing, well maybe i could make it just to the end of that road, after all. and i make myself some more promises, i call them dreams, and when night comes i don't let go of them, i congratulate myself on the ones that walked through the length of the day with me and tuck the rest of them in to carry me through tomorrow.

occasionally i get disgusted with the whole process, i think 'ugh, dreams and promises and possibilities,' where have you gotten me? full of you but i'm still getting nowhere. maybe you're only extra weight after all and reality is just about as much as i can hold. i vow to leave them all by the wayside and i pretend i don't notice it's only another promise i'm making. i try to drag myself through the rows of days, not getting distracted, not floating away. but what i notice (after a while of not noticing anything) is that i can't see much except dreams, and promises, and possibilities - only they're not mine, they're everyone else's, everyone who never bothered to get burdened by reality in the first place. everything i see is made out of somebody's dream, and if i'm gonna be living in dreams they might as well be my own.

so right then and there i start making promises: i will wear wings at all hours of the night. i will laugh so hard the leaves will fall around me, i will walk with giant steps and swing my arms in enormous circles, i will take off my shoes when i come into the house and i will never, never leave my hopes to dry on the drainboard. i won't sleep in except when i do, i'll take walks in the woods and in the loud polluted city, i'll sing off pitch when i'm not alone. i will take off my masks and wear love unabashedly. i will keep making promises.

and i will not stop dreaming

(3 lies | she wants to hear she's beautiful)

Saturday, April 16th, 2005
5:32 pm
last polaroids from my old onesCollapse )

yes. i know there were alot... there won't be any more for awhile.

(she wants to hear she's beautiful)

Friday, April 15th, 2005
3:27 pm
polaroid 5... this one is pretty grossCollapse )

edit: more added

(1 lie | she wants to hear she's beautiful)

Thursday, April 14th, 2005
9:36 pm
so many pictures!

(1 lie | she wants to hear she's beautiful)

6:36 pm
polaroid part 4.Collapse )

(she wants to hear she's beautiful)

Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
6:28 pm
polaroid part 3.Collapse )
yes, i realize how random some of these are. no, i have no intentions of censoring which ones i put up.

(5 lies | she wants to hear she's beautiful)

Monday, April 11th, 2005
4:36 pm
polaroid part 2.Collapse )

p.s. - yes i know they're all different sizes, i didn't resize the two after i realized my scanner was automatically making them smaller.

(1 lie | she wants to hear she's beautiful)

1:48 am
when i was packing my stuff today i found my old stash of polaroids so i'm going to post them over the next few weeks.

look or die.Collapse )

(2 lies | she wants to hear she's beautiful)

Monday, October 25th, 2004
7:53 pm

just leave me a message and i will add you goons.

(23 lies | she wants to hear she's beautiful)

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